We're on a major downward trajectory. The last few weeks of summer were a wash. School is going badly. Afternoon tutoring is so-so. Sunday school is not working. Any new thing we try explodes in our face. We can't even manage a trip to the county fair. Somehow, the promise of animals, ice cream, and a carnival ride can't get us through an hour-long excursion outside our home.
I am at the end of my rope, a place I never thought I'd be considering all of Martin's progress last year. We're considering drastic measures: removing Martin from school, setting up one-on-one tutoring, hoping to schedule in some social stimulation. It would be another dramatic change in Martin's life, but one that might be worth it given his recent experience.
I'm just so sad about it all. How we haven't been able to work things out with the teacher. How we failed so miserably in the tutor transition. I feel like a loser and a quitter. And if you know me, you know quite well that I am not used to those feelings. I have this sneaking suspicion that I'm living out the plot of an after-school special about special needs kids or am the center of a "Touched by an Angel" episode. I feel trapped in a narrative about a stressful situation taking its toll on people. Basically, I have to let go of the idea that I am so damned resilient. That my family is resilient. And I'm sad about that.
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Jen, I'm so very sorry. I'm sending you hugs and love from PA.
ReplyDeleteHow can our experiences be so much the same when our children's disablilities were so very, very different? And how is it that you put them into words so very, very well? I tried to keep up the facade of resiliency until the end. Now I feel beaten into the ground by everything. There's got to be a balance between those extremes. Maybe it's called realism.
ReplyDeleteJust know that there are people out here who you don't know who care about what you're going thru....your ability to write about your journey is amazing....I am praying for you and your family.
ReplyDelete-Mary
I'm sorry you're feeling sad. You will gain your strengh again. My son is 11 and on the spectrum also....it's a journey we're on. I'm wishing you and your family the very best.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry the fall is off to such a cruddy start. I'm thinking of you and wishing I could come distract you for even a few minutes. Hugs from TN!
ReplyDeletelove you guys --- rebecca
ReplyDeleteI hope it gets better soon. It's definitely a spiral and not a straight line, but it will get better.
ReplyDeleteMan, I wish D. and I could deliver you guys the yummiest evening meal tonight. I would make you some Italian Chicken Couscous or Indonesian Peanut Chicken or some Kale, and Sausage, and Potatoes all mashed up.
ReplyDeleteYummy.
On another note, you who makes chocolate beet cake in the face of struggles and despairing is certainly resilient. There might be some tactical loses right now, but I have confidence that you are suffusing Martin's life with as much stability and love and joy as two people can possibly be responsible and capable of creating. I know admiration is small potatoes when you are in a state of lamentation... but know that you have our admiration. And I bet I buy the third copy of your shit kicking book. Let me know you you get the nickel ;)
J
Jen,
ReplyDeleteI come to your blog every day, and I almost always resonate with what you've written. I have added you and your family to my list of folks I'm cheering for. I'm incredibly sorry the last few weeks have gone so badly. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope things start looking up soon.
Hey Jen,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear about your discouragement. Just a word from here, as our family shifts back to school after four years of homeschooling: even though I'm currently giving it my absolute best shot, I'm suspicious of school (as it's usually done). I may very well end up taking one or more of our kids back out before it's all over. I hope this doesn't discourage you even more; I just wanted to say that I'm less likely than I once would have been to feel like school has to work.