olden times

If I had more time on my hands, I'd start fan clubs. I've considered the "Raw slices of kohlrabi fan club," "Obscure Prince hits fan club," and "Miniature lop rabbits fan club." But if I were pinned down today and had to start a club, I'd found "The Jill Lepore Fan Club." I am an adoring fan of this Harvard history professor and New Yorker writer who meditates on everything from the founding fathers and antebellum race riots to the history of breastfeeding.

My latest favorite is her piece in the New Yorker about the history of parenting. (http://www.newyorker.com/arts/critics/books/2009/06/29/090629crbo_books_lepore)
She explores the history of American "parenting", especially as it evolved to distinguish between those people who had children and those who did not. Lepore argues that in olden times (ie. up to the turn of the twentieth century), every adult parented, whether they had their own biological children or not. Most adults lived with children in their households, even if those children were not there own. They were children of extended family members and were everyone's responsibility. Lots of cultural changes gave us the world we now inhabit, a world that Lepore describes aptly when she observes that, for some women and men in America, the first baby they hold is their own.

Her article reminded me of another major change in American life. Before the turn of the nineteenth century, before we had institutions such as mental asylums, prisons, and orphanages, folks with mental problems, criminal propensities, and no parents were usually absorbed into their families and villages. These were the kinds of families that Lepore describes. Multiple people in a household with a common responsibility to support the welfare of children and other members on the margins. This set up must have made dealing with special needs children (yeah, yeah, I know the term is anachronistic) a very different experience.

I'm not one to romanticize early America. I know things like how many capital crimes there were and how many people were disenfranchised and I haven't forgotten about chamber pots. But the trends in parenting that Lepore describes have had an incredible impact on people who have children who are not typically developing. The trends that make for a parenting experience in which "all the mothers want forgiveness; all the fathers want applause" is simply amplified for parents with special needs kids. To a great extent, our culture leaves you on your own to parent. It offers lots of products to assist parents, but autism is hardly assuaged by merchandise. Life with autism is only made livable - and slowly and surely made better - by lots of time and contact and connection. Our parenting culture is short on these things.

To be sure, I shot myself in the leg on this one. I chose not to live near my parents or my spouse's parents. "The power of culture" is not totally to blame. But the power is there. Read Lepore. You'll be convinced. And then join the fan club!